I head down to the girls locker room of the Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne, where all the girls are getting ready. I sit down next to Kylie, my best friend.
“Hey, nice of you to show up this morning Emma.” Says Kylie.
“I missed the bus.” I reply lacing up my sneakers. Then, grabbing our rackets and water, Kylie and I walk upstairs onto the courts for a long day of practice.
Dying of thirst, I take a long drink from my water. It’s been a long day.
“Emma! Breaks over!” Shouts Coach Durham in an authoritarian voice. I quickly run over to where everyone is circling around him.
“As you all know, in two weeks the 33rd Annual Rod Laver Girls Junior Open begins. There you will be competing for the opportunity to train in Germany along with a hundred thousand dollars in prize money. So rest up.” All the girls begin walking back downstairs to the locker room.
“Want to take a walk down the board walk before we head home?” Asks Kylie.
“Absolutely.” I reply.
Kylie and I stroll down the boardwalk where we have walked everyday since we met; which was thirteen years ago. It holds many memories for us. Like when we had our first fight, where we realized boys didn’t have cooties after all, and where we both decided to play tennis competitively. We almost reach Kylie's house when she begins hyperventilating.
“Are you okay?" I ask.
Suddenly Kylie passes out on the sidewalk. I scream for help and dial 911.
The tournament was starting tomorrow, and Kylie was still in the hospital. Doctors at the hospital had been taking tests for weeks, still finding no reason for her collapse. I can’t stop thinking about her as I walk down the hallway, taking a left into her room. I then see Kylie with quietly sobbing in her hospital bed, surrounded by her doctor and mother.
“What happened?” I ask in panic.
Struggling for words Ella capriciously blurts, “I have Nephrotic Syndrome; and need a kidney transplant. I wouldn’t need one, but since I was only born with one kidney, I absolutely need a new one. But my mom isn’t a match and there isn’t an affluent amount of kidneys available. Plus we could never afford a procedure like this.” Kylie finally catches her breath.
“Well, what about the tournament!?" I ask with much enthusiasm.
“What about it?” Kylie asks.
“Well, if I win, I can give you the money.” I reply with a smile.
“No, I couldn’t take that from you! And plus, what if you don’t make it?”
“Either way, we're going to get through this.”
Day-by-day Kylie was getting weaker, and that was all I thought about as I step onto the court ready to face my opponent from Croatia. After warming up and getting in the zone, the match begins and the first set goes smoothly as I win. I begin to lose prowess in the second, which the Croatian wins. About two hours later, we are in the third set. Tie break. Back and forth we go, until I serve a game ending double fault. Match over.
“How will Kylie ever get her kidney now! I lost the tournament and she’s getting sicker. What do I do mom?”
“You can’t save everyone Emma. Kylie will get her transplant, we just need to be patient.”
“Mom! She’s dying!” I lamented.
The next day I walk into the hospital with a yen to speak with Dr.Sheppard, Kylie's doctor.
“How may I help you Emma?”
“I want to see if I am a match for Kylie.”
After a long discourse, Dr. Sheppard concurred. I can’t believe it. I am an exact match!I run into Kylie’s room.
“Kylie, I’m a match! And I’m going in for surgery soon!”
“Are you serious! Oh my god, thank you so much! How can I ever possibly thank you?”
“Don’t be stupid.” I say beginning to reprimand her.
“You’re a big part of my life Kylie. I need you here and if that means giving you a kidney, then by all means.”
3 hours and still counting. Kylie is still in surgery. I sit on a bench outside the OR with Kylie's mother. Minutes later, Dr. Sheppard walks out of the OR with a grave countenance on his face. I sense something is wrong. Kylie’s mom rises with facial pallor, walking quickly over to the doctor.
“What’s wrong?” Kylie’s mom asks frantically.
“Ms. Hewitt, I am so sorry. There were some complications. We found clotting in her heart, and she is so feeble we cannot operate on her again. She has about 24 hours.”
I walk over and hug Kylie’s mom as she and I both begin to cry. Kylie’s condition is getting worse, so Kylie's mother goes in first to see her. About an hour later Kylie's mother comes out of the room.
“She’s asking for you Emma. Take as long as you need.”
I walk into the room and before I even speak I begin to cry.
“Kylie please stay. Don’t go, fight through it. I know you can! If you can train with sardonic Coach Durham, you can do anything!”
“Emma, I am so sorry. No friend should ever put their friend through something like this.”
“Now you stop right there. You have been the greatest friend I have ever had. We have been through so much together, the good and the bad.”
“Your kidney didn’t work! The surgery was just a waste!”
“Now listen you! I would have given you that kidney any day, any time, because that’s what friends do. They show their love in times of trouble.”
“I am going to miss you so much Emma, you have no idea.”
The machine next to Kylie begins to go off, and Kylie’s eyes begin to close. This is it, I thought.
“Kylie hang on!” Nurses begin to rush in. Through the commotion, I hear Kylie whisper, “Best friends…always and forever. ” Kylie flat lines and I begin to cry even louder. The nurses cover Kylie’s body. I slowly rise from the floor. Why her? She was perfectly fine weeks ago. This all happened so fast. She deserved to live, not die. But I guess its true. Even the best of friends must part.
7 comments:
Author's Notes:
1.) I would like the reader of this paper to understand mainly the theme of the story: Even the best of friends must part. Now I don't mean only by death do they part, even though this particular story does emphasize it. People in your life will come and go. Whether it be close friends that drift apart. Friends moving away from each other. Friends changing, and find that they don't have much in common anymore. There are so many ways friends can part. And this story is kind of reminding people that people part, and they need to be aware of what can happen. You can be the best of friends with someone, but one day can easily change years of friendship.
2.)I think the dialogs and main conflict of the story work really well. They are both very realistic, and can happen to anyone. It was really easy to write the main theme and express it throughout the story. I have parted with some friends in the past, and know how the experience goes, and it kind of makes the dialog easy to write.
3.)It was really difficult to write the ending of this story. It surprising made me feel very emotional. It made me think about all the friends in my life, whether it be best friends or acquaintances, and the fact that something could happen to them any day, anytime. And picturing something happen to them made me think a lot about what I would say in the situation the main character Emma was put in.
4.) I would like as much feedback as possible. I especially would like to know if this piece of writing is realistic, and if the theme is clearly expressed through the story. Also I would like to know if I skipped around to much and if I told the story to fast. Like should I have made certain parts longer or shorter.
1. Kylie has a disease that is killing her. This is an external conflict. It was resolved by Emma donating her kidney but then Kylie dies. I was very invested in the conflict of the story because it was very dramatic and couldn’t have been more dramatic.
2. The protagonist changes throughout the story because in the begging she really didn’t accept the fact that she was sick. But towards the end of the story she realizes that things happen and eventually friends have to depart. The change is important to the story because it has to do with the conflict. If the character didn’t accept it she could have ended a lot worse then before.
3. My favorite part was when Julia described when the two girls met. It was really only the happiest time in the story that’s mostly why I liked it. It occurred in the rising action. “It holds many memories for us. Like when we had our first fight, where we realized boys didn’t have cooties after all, and where we both decided to play tennis competitively.” It stood out because I could relate to it and it was descriptive.
4. I really think that Julia developed the story well. The plot was the best part and worked with the conflict. For example she worked in tennis and how the girls met to make this really sad story. The climax was really sad and the turning point of when you lost hope.
5. The stories theme was that eventually friends will be gone. Julia explains how close these friends are throughout the story then shows how much they will miss each other.
Awesome story Julia!
The conflict of this story was Kylies disease that was killing her. The conflict was internal and external. It was internal becuase of Kylie's sickness, and it was external because her friend, Emma, didn't know what to do to help her friend or face the fact that she might lose her friend. The conflict was resolved when Emma tried to save her friend by donating a kidney, but then Kylie died anyway.I was very invested in the resolution of the story, but i wanted Kylie to live so her friend wouldn't have to live with the death of her best friend. Something that could have made the story more dramatic would be Emma commiting suicide because she just lost her good friend.
The protagonist changes very much over the cousre of the story, beucase at the beginning she could always count on her friend to be there, but at the end she doesn't have her best friend anymore to help her throught difficult times. Emma's development in the storyiswhen she donates her kidney. I think this makesher realizes she would do anything for her friend,and that she will never forget her. This change is important to the story becuase I think it makes both friends realize that they would be friends forever, and were lucky to have each other as friends.The storywould be different because Emma might have felt very guilty her whoole life for not trying to save Kylie.
My favorite part of the story was when Emma gave her kidney. I thought that it was very nice thing to do for her friend.My favorite part of the story occured during the rising action. My favorite line in the story is "I hear Kylie whisper, "Best friends…always and forever. "Kylie flat lines and I begin to cry even louder."This was my favorite line because it showed how much they cared about each other.
This stories best quality was the charachters. It showed a lot of emotions and had a big part of the climax. Without the bond between the two friends the story would be nowhere as good as it really is.
The storys theme is that trus friends will eventrually have to depart in seperate ways. The seeds that the author plants and lets grow and bloom by the end of the story is friendship.
There is not much that Julia can improve on. The story was very good. She could check some of the dialogue and spelling, but other than that great job Julia!
1.) The conflict of this story was external was well as internal. The two major conflicts were the outward one, Emma trying to win the tournament and the fact that Kylie's dying, and the inward conflict, which is Emma trying to deal with the fact that she's losing her best friend. The external conflict was resolved when Emma lost the tournament in the finals and when Kylie dies. The internal conflict is resolves right at the end when Emma accepts that she has to part with her best friend. I was extremely invested in the resolution of the conflict. Julia did a good job of building up the tension until the end when Kylie finally dies. This story was probably as dramatic as it could have been, realistically.
2.) The protagonist, Emma, changes over the course of the story from the beginning, when she and Kylie are care free and happy to be getting ready for the tournament. The girls never had a thought about one of them being ill. At the end of the story, Emma comes to terms with her best friend's death and grows as a person. Emma's great epiphany is when she realizes that even the best of friends have to be apart sometimes. This changed the story because Emma could have spiraled into a deep depression over losing her best bud, but instead she accepts it. The story would have been different if Emma didn't change because she might not have handled Kylie's death so maturely.
3.) My favorite part of the story is when you first meet Kylie and Emma and they are training at Rod Laver Arena in Melborne, Australia. This part took place in the exposition. "I head down to the girls locker room of the Rod Laver Arena, in Melbourne where all the girls are getting ready. I sit down next to Kylie, my best friend. 'Hey, nice of you to show up this morning Emma.' Says Kylie. 'I missed the bus.' I reply lacing up my sneakers." This part stood out to me because it seemed like a realistic conversation that two friends would have.
4.) Overall, I think that this story's best quality is the timing. It didn't really rush the story and gave you time to get to know the two characters, Kylie and Emma, and some of their background about them. It also didn't drag on and you were introduced to the conflict early in the story (Emma gets sick, which is the catalyst for the other conflicts.) Then you get right into the tournament, which adds excitement in the story.
5.) The story's theme is that 'even the best of friends must part.' The 'seeds' that the author plants in the story are when they are walking on the boardwalk and Julia writes about them having a lot of history there. You get the sense that they really are best of friends. Then when Kylie is hovering above death at the end of the story, she says, "Best friends forever." This hints again at the conflict. The last seed, or bloom i guess you could say, is in the last sentence when Emma decides that best friends really must part sometimes.
6.) The thing i think Julia should just check the speech layout of her story. When a new person talks, that is the start of a new paragraph. I noticed this more in the introduction of the story. Other than that, she should just make sure that all of her tenses are in agreement and she should be good to go.
great story julia! (:
1.) the conflict in this story is external. Kylie ahd a diese that's killing her. it's resolved when Emma decides to give her kidney to Kylie, but kylie ends of dying anyways.
2.) at the begginning, Emma is relly worried about kylie, but still wants her to her to be able to compete, by the end of the story, Emma comes to realize that friends part and tht her friendship is more important then any competition.
3.) "Kylie and I stroll down the boardwalk where we have walked everyday since we met; which was thirteen years ago. It holds many memories for us. Like when we had our first fight, where we realized boys didn’t have cooties after all, and where we both decided to play tennis competitively" this was my favorite part of the story becasue it really showed how close the two girls are and how much they went through together.
4.) i think that the best part of your story was the descriptivness. it was really easy to visualize and you did a very good job with the different settings.
5.) the theme of the story was nothing lasts forever, and best friends are really hard to find. it was really good how you made sure that the reader knew that the two girls were best friends and how muc h they careed for echother, so when the ending was fatal, it really the reader felt really connected.
6.) the one thing to revise in your story would be too check the timing, just a little though. it kind of seemed as though it was a little rushed, but otherwise your sory was really good!
great job <3
VOCABULARY WORDS
1.)authoritarian, adj; favoring complete obedience or subjection to authority as opposed to individual freedom. - While Emma is on break, her coach calls her over in an authoritarian voice, demanding her attention, and for her to go back where the group was meeting.
2.)hyperventilating,v; to breathe very fast and deeply. - While Kylie and Emma were on a walk, Kylie began hyperventilating and passed out.
3.)capriciously, adj; subject to, led by, or indicative of caprice or whim; erratic. - Unsure of how to tell Emma about her recent condition, Kylie capriciously, without much thought blurts out her illness.
4.)affluent: adj; rich or abundant. - Kylie was in need of a kidney transplant, but since there wasn't an affluent amount of kidneys available, she would just have to wait and hope that one became available.
5.)prowess: n; superior ability or skill. - During Emma's tennis match she was becoming outplayed or out skilled by her opponent, losing her prowess.
6.)lamented: v; to cry or complain. - Emma lamented to her mother about what she should do to help Kylie. She had just lost the tournament and went to go complain to her mother.
7.)discourse: n; intellectual discussion. - Emma and Dr.Sheppard had a discourse over the possibility of Emma giving her kidney to Kylie.
8.)concurred: v; to agree. - After a long discourse, Dr.Sheppard agreed that he would operate on Emma so that Kylie would be able to get her transplant.
9.)reprimand: v; to scold. - Emma began to reprimand Kylie when she began to talk about how Emma's kidney didn't work, and how she was sorry.
10.)grave: adj' serious - Dr.Sheppard walked out of the OR with a grave expression. Something serious had just went on during Kylie's surgery .
11.)countenance: n; expression - Dr. Sheppard walked out of the OR with a serious expression on his face as he was about to present Kylie's mother the details of what went on during surgery.
12.)pallor: n; facial paleness. - Kylie's mother arose with facial pallor. She had just found out her daughter had 24 hours to live, and started to go pale.
13.)feeble: adj; weak. - Since Kylie was so feeble or weak, she wasn't strong enough to go through another surgery.
14.)sardonic: adj; sarcastic or mean spirited sense of humor. - While Kylie and Emma share there last minutes together, Emma mention s how if she can train with their sardonic coach who they have been with for years and years, then she can do anything.
Wrap-Up Questions
1.)I believe the greatest change I have made since my first draft of my story was giving one of the main character Kylie, a more specific disease/health problem. I elaborated more on her health problems, so that the reader wouldn't be confused on what was going on. I also made the story so that Kylie would have a hard time finding a kidney for dramatic purposes. For example, I made it so that Kylie's family could not give her a kidney, and due to their location in Australia, which is separated from other continents, making it hard to have kidney's sent over when needed. I tried to make it more dramatic, and make the reader understand what a big deal the whole situation was.
2.)I believe that the comments were a lot more useful then the peer edit guides. Although the peer edit guides went more in depth, I though t it was useful to have the opinions of more than just one person. I think having students from different classes other than your own, read your story, allows for more insight. I know I had four people comment my story, and all had different advice for me, which was both useful and annoying. Because I wanted to change my story using their advice, but somethings I couldn't change. Whether it be because I couldn't write any more and go over the limit, or I felt that what they were suggesting would go against my general idea and message of the story.
3.)I believe that my greatest strength in my story was dialogue and characterization. I thought that the dialogue I used was very real, and interesting to read. The conversations felt like something I would say to a friend, and was modern day conversation. I also thought my characterization of the characters was good. I thought I did a good job of explaining the characters situation, and how Kylie and Emma were so close, and the connection between the two. I wanted this story to be realistic, and I believe that I accomplished that.
4.)My advice to next years students would be to get as much feedback as possible. Have lots of people read your story and give you as much feedback as they can both negative and positive, and take that persons advice. Even if you are unsure of their advice, fix your story according to their advice, and you will most likely see they were right all along, if not simply switch it back. Think of the editors of your story as the readers. They will help you out, and help make your story a lot better down the road. Make sure you use the feedback they worked so hard to give you.
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